Dude, This is Pretty F'cked Up Right Here
by Marcus Absent
Summary: After reading a fanfic about themselves, the boys say what needs to be said. For them, it was a wake-up call. For me, it was the start of the war. Rated T for language, slash, and just being South Park. COMPLETE
1. Writing in Style

**South Park is the property of Matt Stone and Trey Parker and does not belong to me.**

**For now, this is a one-shot.**

* * *

_Stan got his Pepsi and sat down._

He didn't know how he got to Tweak's coffee shop after he ran out of school. The whole thing was just a blur. But he was glad that he had ended up here. Tweak's was as good a place as any to drown his sorrows.

How had it gotten to this point? One minute, he was the high school's star athlete despite being only a sophomore, made good grades, had three awesome friends, and a girl who loved him. Now, he was still the star athlete, still had good grades, and still had three great friends. But all he could think about was the one thing he had just lost.

He sipped the coffee, wishing that it was stronger. Maybe then he could be more like Tweek, who didn't have an ex-girlfriend to worry about. Of course, there were about a million other things that Tweek worried about, so maybe that was a bad idea. But still…

"Stan!"

Stan turned around, and saw his best friend Kyle walk in. Good; he could sure use the company right now.

"Hey, Kyle," he said, legitimately trying to smile, but failing.

"Where have you been?" Kyle asked. "Everyone from the football team has been asking where you were."

"Yeah, I didn't go to practice."

"How come?" Kyle asked. "You're going to lose your spot."

"Wendy broke up with me."

Had Stan not been so distraught, he might have noticed something fishy about the look on Kyle's face as he said this. Stan went on.

"She said she just doesn't think that it's working. I can't figure out what I did wrong."

Kyle thought for a minute.

"_Hey, Stan," Kyle said as he walked in. "What are you doing?"_

"_Dude," Stan said, "check this out."_

"So she didn't tell you anything?" Kyle asked.

"Nope," Stan said, shaking his head. "But I think she was jealous. She said I didn't spend as much time with her as I should. Like she was suspicious of me seeing other girls."

"Well, that was unfair of her," Kyle snorted. "I don't see how you could spend more time with her. Whenever you're not at school or doing homework, you're either with her or with us."

"Yeah, I told her that," Stan groaned, shaking his head. "That just made it worse, because then she started to get jealous of you guys."

"_What is it?" Kyle asked._

"_It's a story about us," Stan explained. "We're so famous now that people can't wait to get more of us. So instead of just watching the show, they write about us themselves."_

"_That sounds cool," Kyle said._

Stan went on. "She seemed to think that I valued my time around you guys more than her."

Kyle shook his head. "She's being completely unreasonable. A guy's got to be able to spend time with both his girlfriend and his friends. She can't hog you all to herself."

"Of course not," Stan said firmly. Then he broke down again. "I just…can't believe she would do that to me."

Kyle patted him on the back. "Cheer up, will you?" he said. "If she's going to be like that, you don't want her. Make a day of it! Enjoy yourself!"

"But I don't know what to do," Stan said. "Wendy and I were going to go see a movie today."

Kyle grinned. "Well, let's go see a movie. Don't let her being a bitch spoil your afternoon."

Stan sniffed. "Okay," he agreed.

"_Dude, this is lame," Kyle said._

"_Yeah, I know," Stan muttered. "Wendy and I wouldn't break up over something that stupid. This is just depressing."_

"_And boring," Kyle added. "Where are all the disasters and crazy shit and adults being idiots? This isn't anything like our lives at all."_

"_And you'd think that we would be more mature in high school," Stan pointed out. "But look at me; I'm a complete wuss."_

_Kyle rubbed his eyes. "Well, let's keep going; maybe it gets better."_

Stan had to admit: going to the movies with Kyle was a much more enjoyable experience than going with Wendy. The Hunger Games was still a good movie, but he was glad that at least Kyle didn't get mad at him when he laughed at some of the stupid parts; Wendy would always give him an annoyed look whenever he did that.

After the movie, Kenny and Cartman joined them at Stan's house to play Modern Warfare 3 for a few hours. Soon, Wendy was the last thing on Stan's mind.

Something was still bothering him, but he couldn't put his finger on it.

"Ha! I killed you again, Kenny!" Cartman yelled. "Eat bazooka, poor boy!"

"Cartman, stop picking on Kenny," Stan said. "He can't help it if he doesn't own an Xbox and can't play this game all the time and can't be as good as you."

Kenny scowled.

"Going to defend him, eh loverboy?" Cartman jeered.

Kyle glared at Cartman, but Stan suddenly became lost in thought. He and Kyle hadn't told Cartman about the breakup, so he wasn't being any more of an ass than he usually was; he had just reminded Stan of it unintentionally.

However, what he actually realized was something even more strange. Even though Cartman had just reminded him of what he had technically lost, he wasn't upset. He was still feeling some pain, but he didn't associate that pain with Wendy leaving, like she didn't actually fill that void in his life. Maybe she never did. Then what was still missing...?

_"Come on," Kyle said._

"Come on," Kyle said. "It's time for you guys to leave." Amid Cartman's angry protests, Kyle shooed him and Kenny out of the he turned to Stan and said, "Well, I guess I should leave, too."

Stan checked the clock. It was 8:00 pm. Both Stan's parents were at Shelly's piano recital, and wouldn't be back for at least an hour. "You don't have to go just yet."

Kyle raised his eyebrow. "You sure it's all right?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

Kyle looked down at his feet, obviously a little uncomfortable. "Well, I've been spending all day trying to cheer you up, but-"

"And you've done a great job," Stan assured him. "Stay a little while longer."

Kyle sat down on the couch. He had that fishy look on his face again, which Stan noticed this time. It was like he was really nervous about something. But Kyle was never nervous around Stan, right? They were best friends, weren't they?

Then it clicked. Stan knew what to do.

"Here, Kyle," he said. "Let me get you something to drink."

"Thanks," said Kyle, trying not to make eye contact.

Stan made two cups of hot chocolate, and brought them into the living room. He gave one to Kyle, who was still studying the carpet, and then sat down "You don't have to worry about it, Kyle," he finally said.

Kyle shook his head in confusion. "What?"

"About this afternoon," Stan clarified. "You were trying to make me feel better, and you did. That's nothing to feel guilty about."

Kyle denied nothing.

"Although I suppose I would probably feel the same way in your position," Stan went on. "Worried that I had done something for the wrong reasons, et cetera. And I would also be scared about things changing, because I wouldn't want my friend to suddenly feel uncomfortable around me. But it's okay."

Kyle looked up.

"I felt happier with you this afternoon than I ever did while I was dating Wendy. At first I thought I was just being distracted from the fact that I no longer had a girlfriend. But then I realized I didn't need one; I was already in love with my best friend."

Kyle and Stan looked at each other, not sure what to say. Everything was suddenly out in the open now. Stan was sure about what he felt, but he could only guess as to what Kyle was feeling.

Eventually, Kyle gave him a response. All nervousness gone, Kyle leaned over and the two of them kissed.

_Kyle and Stan looked at each other, not sure what to say._

_Eventually, they decided on, "What…the…fuck?"_

* * *

**I hope this was okay. I had to fool around with the style (see what I did there?) a little bit before reaching the final product.**

**Alright, here's the thing. I have some ideas for making this a multi-chapter, and going more into the issues that this fic touches on. If that's the case, there _will_ be more pairings put in the spotlight, so if you're a shipper, there's a good chance your favorite pairing may not escape (you've been warned). Also, Stan and Kyle (and anyone who ends up joining them) will have a more aggressive commentary, as opposed to just being confused. **

**The question...do you guys want me to make a multi-chapter out of this, or keep it as a one-shot and just sort of leave it at this moment of shock? I'm putting a poll on my user page, so vote, and also review this story to tell me why.**

**Also, even if I make this a multi-chapter, I have some other fics I'm working on, so it probably won't be updated as swiftly as my other stories usually are.**

**Thanks for reading.**


	2. Hard Candy

**Alright, the reviewers tell me that you all want a multi-chapter. So do I! Here's chapter number two...**

* * *

_"What the hell is this?" Kyle asked, outraged. "Someone went to all the trouble of writing a story about us, making us older, staging you to breakup with Wendy, all to just have the two of us make out? That's messed up!"_

_"I know," Stan said, still unable to believe what he had just read. "I can't even process that right now."_

_"It's like these people have never even watched our show," Kyle said. "This is nothing like what we actually do."_

_Opening a new tab, Stan spent a few minutes shifting through some other stories, but they were all the same: "Stan and Kyle figure out that they're in love with each other." He frowned. "This story isn't the only one; lots of people write us that way. You don't think there could be something to it, do you? I mean, that we just might give off that impression, whether it's true or not?"_

_Kyle stared at him. "No."_

_"I don't know, man," Stan said. "I know that 25% of the population is retarded, but this...that has to be at least 75%."_

_Kyle said nothing, but went on reading._

Stan put his pants back on-

_"We had sex, too!" Kyle yelled. Stan vomited._

-and turned to his best friend. "My parents should be back soon; we should probably start cleaning up."

"Yeah," said Kyle, buttoning up his shirt. Even though it had actually happened now, he still felt nervous. His parents were going to kill him when he found out that he was actually gay.

_"Okay, that's a more understandable reaction," Kyle said._

"What are we going to do about this?"

_Kyle blinked. "I changed my mind. Quit bitching."_

Stan thought about it. "We'll just have to be discreet about it. My parents would probably have their little freak out, but it wouldn't be too bad. I guess your mom won't take it as well."

"Probably not," Kyle said. "She considers herself pretty tolerant of homosexuals, but she probably wouldn't be too happy to find out her son is one."

"Oh man, I just had a scary thought," Stan said, shaking. "What if Cartman finds out? He'll have us out so fast—"

"It'll be okay," Kyle said (_"Oh, come on," Stan said. "The writer isn't even going to bother coming up with a joke there?"_). "It's not like we've ever cared about what Cartman thinks anyway. Besides, it's not like we've done anything wrong."

_"No, but these writers did," Stan groaned._

"No, but why give him any more reason to make our lives hell?" Stan replied. "We should probably just see how things play out."

Kyle kissed him. "Sounds good to me," he said.

* * *

_"God, how much more of this is there?" Kyle muttered. "Don't these stupid things usually just end with the sex anyways?"_

_"Apparently, this writer just wants to torture us," Stan said._

Stan's first day of school as a homosexual seemed to be going well. No one had made fun of him or anything. But then again, none of them knew of his discovery, and most of them wouldn't care (even though Cartman would). It just didn't seem like the kind of thing to just bring up in conversation: "Hi, I just found out that I'm gay, and I'm in love with my best friend."

Still, he felt like he was hiding something by not telling them.

_Kyle started banging his head against the wall._

Just then Wendy walked up. "Hi, Stan." Just like yesterday had never even happened.

"What do you want, Wendy?" Stan growled. He was not in the mood to talk to her. One, because he didn't want to get all confused (_"Too late," Stan said_) about who it was that he was in love with. And two, because she had definitely been a bitch about the breakup yesterday.

"I…just wanted to apologize about how I acted yesterday," she said. "I was unreasonable."

Stan fumed. After she had just dumped him, she just expected him to drop his new boyfriend and get back with her?

_"You dumbass," Stan said. "So you just had one fight? That's not a breakup!"_

"Well," Stan replied, "it's too late, Wendy. You had your chance, and you're not going to get another one. Because I've found someone else."

Wendy looked shocked. "Who?"

Stan bit his lip. "Kyle," he finally admitted. There. Now it was out for all to see.

Wendy shuddered. Clearly, that had been the last answer she had been expecting to her. Bewildered, she just walked off.

_"Hold it right there, you homophobes!"_

_Stan and Kyle turned to see who had spoken. "Bebe?" Stan exclaimed. "How did you get in here?"_

_"The fanfiction writers called me up and told me to stop you from slandering their stories," Bebe said, folding her arms._

_"Well, that's because their stories suck," Kyle said. "And if they're allowed to write bad stories, I think we're more than allowed to criticize them."_

_"You just don't like them because the characters are gay," Bebe accused. "Homophobes!"_

_Legitimately confused, Stan said, "So...do_ you_ like them because they're gay?"_

_"Hell yes!" Bebe yelled. "Boy on boy is hot!"_

_Stan and Kyle looked at each other. "You know," Kyle said, "that explains a lot of what we've been seeing here."_

_"Yeah," Stan said. "Kyle, why don't you explain it to her? I'll keep plowing through this."_

As school went on, Stan became more and more upset about the way he had reacted towards Wendy. She did seem to be legitimately sorry about what she had said yesterday, and he had spat in her face. What was more, he was becoming more and more confused about what he was actually feeling.

Kyle sat down next to him. "Hey, what's up?"

"Not much," Stan said, poking at his food.

"Hey, did you tell anybody about us?" Kyle asked.

"Well, I might have told Wendy about it. Why do you ask?"

"Because Cartman's been giving me weird looks. He hasn't started taunting me or anything, but he definitely knows."

"Kyle...about us..." Stan began. "Do you think that, maybe, we're not doing the right thing?"

"What do you mean?" Kyle asked, tilting his head.

"I mean, I only broke up with Wendy yesterday," Stan replied. "I think I love you, but...I need to make sure this is not just a rebound reaction."

_"Finally, someone showing some reason," Stan snorted._

_"You see, Bebe," Kyle began, "it's not that the characters are being portrayed as gay that's the problem. It's that _we're_ the characters who are being portrayed as gay. We're being written as people we're not."_

_Bebe considered that. "Still, though, what's the big deal? People can write their story however they want."_

_Stan intervened. "Well, if that's what they want to write, then they can make their own characters and force them to do all the sex that they want, and good for them. We don't mind that. Just not us."_

_"I still think you guys are making way too big a deal out of this," Bebe insisted._

_Kyle sighed. "Alright, Bebe. Let's try this. You're straight, right?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Wouldn't you think it was creepy if someone wrote a story where you made out with, say...Wendy-"_

_Stan grimaced._

_"-because they thought it was 'hot?'"_

_Bebe paused. She hadn't thought about it that way._

Stan wasn't able to find Wendy at school to properly apologize, so he hurried to her house after school. He didn't really want to get back with her or anything like that; he just needed some kind of closure to this whole mess.

He knocked on Wendy's door, but there was no answer. Funny, she should have been home by now. Her car was here, so she must be home. Hmm...

Maybe she was in trouble?

He picked up the fake rock where the house key was hidden and let himself in. He walked into the living room. No sign of Wendy. He made his way upstairs, and then heard faint sounds coming from Wendy's room. He opened the door...

...And there they were. Wendy and...

...and...

...Cartman.

_"CARTMAN?" Stan, Kyle, and Bebe all yelled at the same time. Shelly called from the other room and told them to keep it quiet._

_"All...that...fat..." Bebe shuddered._

_"Cannot...unsee," Kyle said, clutching his face. "Must...burn...eyeballs."_

_"Wait a minute, guys..." Bebe pointed out, though still a little bit shaken. "As disgusting as this one is, it's at least based in fact. Cartman and Wendy have kissed before, right?"_

_"Don't remind me," Stan gagged._

_"It's still...just...wrong," Kyle said._

_"Come on, you two," Stan said, bookmarking the page. "I need to go beat the shit out of Cartman."_

_Bebe and Kyle looked shocked. "That's...not going to solve anything," Kyle pointed out._

_"No," said Stan, "but it will make me feel better." Kyle couldn't argue with that._

* * *

**Hopefully, this chapter clarifies a few things. First of all, I'm not just going after slash pairings (although most of the pairings are indeed slash). Second, I'm also not deliberately sidestepping pairings I happen to like; I'm not typically a shipper, but Candy is one that I've had some fun with, and it's still here. This satire is just about pairings in general.**


	3. YK2

_"I still think you guys are assholes," Cartman pointed out, holding his bloody nose._

_"Think what you like," said Stan, "but this is still partly your fault. Goddamn it, Cartman, why did you have to kiss Wendy and give these crazy fans more crazy ideas?"_

_"Ay!" Cartman yelled. "That ho kissed _me_!"_

_"Don't call Stan's girlfriend a ho, you fat fuck!" Kyle yelled._

_"Don't call me fat, you buttfucking son of a bitch!" Cartman retorted._

_Kenny sighed. "Why did you guys have to bring me into this?" he mumbled through his hood._

_"Because I read ahead a little bit," Stan answered, "and I think you might have something to say about this next part._

Kyle was at his house, pacing. He hadn't heard back from Stan all afternoon, and he was starting to get worried. Was Stan going to go back on their relationship? Would he actually get back together with Wendy? The thought was unbearable.

It wasn't fair; Kyle already knew what he felt, and he had known for a long time. He had always been in love with Stan. But of course, he hadn't said anything to Stan before now because it would have been extremely awkward, and Stan had a girlfriend. Now that he and Stan had hooked up, everything was going smoothly. But if Stan got back together with Wendy-hell, if he just decided not to stay with Kyle-well, things really couldn't go back to the way they were. It was all or nothing.

At that moment, there was a knock at the door. Stan? Kyle went to open the door, but Stan wasn't standing there.

It was Kenny.

_"Okay," Kenny said. "So I'm in this fic, huh? What am I? An irresistible ladies' man? A smooth womanizer?"_

_Not trusting himself to speak, Stan chewed his lip and motioned for Kenny to continue reading._

"Hey, Kyle," Kenny said. "May I come in?"

"Um, sure," Kyle said.

Kenny stepped into the house, exuding confidence.

_Kenny kept reading._

"So I hear you and Stan have gotten together?" Kenny said, smiling.

"Sort of," Kyle said. "Actually, we're still trying to work that out. I have a suspicion he may not be as over Wendy as he thought he was."

"Oh," said Kenny, twirling his finger through his blond hair. "What would that mean for you?"

"Well, if the two of them get back together, I don't know what I would do," Kyle said. "I've finally come out of the closet and confessed my love for my best friend, and what does he do? Get my hopes up, and then run back to his ex-girlfriend."

Kenny smiled. "Don't worry too much about it, Kyle," he said. "There are other gay fish in the pond. I'm sure you'll find one."

_Kenny narrowed his eyes, as he started to see what was going on. "Wait a minute..."_

"They won't be like Stan," Kyle sniffed. "He's my best friend."

"Well, what about your second best friend?" Kenny asked.

_Kenny's eyes widened. "No! No no no no! What's wrong with those people? How could they possibly think I'm gay?"_

_Apparently, the fictional Kyle was just as confused..._

"You mean, you?" Kyle asked.

Kenny nodded.

Kyle couldn't even picture that. How could Kenny, the pervert who ogled at girls and kept about a hundred Playboys under his mattress, actually be gay?

_"Good question," muttered Stan. Kenny, meanwhile, was still babbling incoherently._

Kenny must have noticed his confusion. "I'm bi, Kyle. Didn't you guys know that?"

Kyle shook his head. Whenever Kenny had gotten involved in one of his sexual exploits, he and Stan had always tried to ignore. Maybe they just hadn't noticed.

Kenny looked at him like he was an idiot. "I mean, why would I agree to give Howard Stern oral sex if I didn't lean that way a little bit?"

_Stan and Kyle looked at each other. Could Kenny actually be bi?_

_"He was offering me ten dollars! I would have done anything!" Kenny came storming out of his stupor. "And it was the worst minute of my life."_

_That was enough for Stan and Kyle. They went on._

"I guess that makes sense," Kyle said.

"Well, let's get on with it," Kenny said, taking off his shirt.

"What? But, but...Stan," Kyle protested.

"Stan's not here," Kenny said, tugging at Kyle's own shirt. "Besides, you guys are apparently having issues."

"Well, you're not helping," Kyle insisted. "Besides, I don't even feel that way about you."

"What's feeling got to do with it?" Kenny said, crossing his arms on his bare chest. "I'm a guy, you're a guy. That's all there is to it."

_"Okay, _this_ is starting to look more like Kenny," Stan conceded. Kenny glared at him. "I mean...you know, if this was a girl..." Stan quickly amended._

_Kyle spoke up. "It looks like this is bothering you even more than it is us, Kenny."_

_"That's because I actually have something to lose!" Kenny yelled. "You guys don't care about sex yet, but I won't get any hot chicks or blowjobs if any of the girls at school read this and think that I'm actually gay!"_

"Not everyone looks at partners the same way that you do, Kenny!" Kyle shouted. "Some people only want to sleep with the right person, instead of screwing everything in sight."

Kenny looked confused. "But how can you know if it's the right person if you haven't slept with them?"

"You just do! And I don't know that I could be with you. I mean, what about every time you die? It's hard enough to scrape you off the sidewalk as your friend, but as your boyfriend? I don't think I'd be able to handle that."

_"Okay, this is just not making sense anymore," Stan said. "What's all this about Kenny dying?"_

_Kenny jumped up and stared at the screen as though he had seen a ghost. "It can't be..."_

"You never know until you try it," said Kenny. "Don't worry about Stan; he and you would be better off as best friends. And he won't mind; he's probably making up-and out-with Wendy as we speak."

Kyle hesitated. He didn't want to betray Stan's trust, but Kenny was probably right about him and Wendy. Besides, if Stan did care, he didn't have to know. "Alright, we'll try it. Just this once."

Having all the permission he needed, Kenny pulled Kyle towards him and kissed him. And Kyle had to admit...he was pretty good at it.

_"Okay, this is just getting retarded," Kyle said. Then he noticed Kenny, who had clearly just lost it._

_"It's not fair! IT'S NOT FAIR!" Then he ran screaming from the room._

_"Wow," said Stan. "He's taking this even harder than I thought."_

_Then they heard a commotion outside. Cartman looked out the window. "Uh, guys..."_

_Stan and Kyle looked outside. The whole town was gathered outside the house, headed by Bebe. They were all carrying signs that said "Don't hate on slash." And it was unlikely that they were talking about the guitar player._

_Kyle turned to Stan. "I guess Bebe wasn't convinced."_

_Stan pinched the bridge of his nose. "Goddammit."_


	4. A Dip in the Creek

**Now that finals are over, I just thought I would give you all a quick idea of my upcoming fanfic schedule for kicking off the summer.**

**This story is roughly half-finished; there's about 3 more chapters left after this one, since there's a limit on how many popular pairings I intend to cover (although if you've been reading the chapter titles, you can see that this chapter will tackling more than one).**

**After this story is finished, the next story to come out will be my Death Note fic, _The Secret Rule_, which I have already begun work on. And after that, probably _It Began With a Question_. Also, _Reflection_ will most likely be published as a one-shot somewhere in that timeframe as well.**

**Some of my bigger ideas-including _Brave New World_, Butters' character story (currently titled _Leopold's Lament_), and the _Star Trek: Renegade_ series-will take a little while longer, just because of the greater amount of planning and preparation required prior to even writing the stories. I want to make sure I have an idea of where I'm going before I start just putting stuff out there.**

******Anyway, here's Chapter 4!**

* * *

_"Now what, Bebe?" Stan asked. Somehow, all of South Park was gathered in his room, and they looked ready to pin a anti-gay crime on him and Kyle. Why did people have to be so stupid?_

_"We've put it to a vote," Bebe announced. "And we've decided that your criticisms of this story are slanderous and hateful. This story isn't affecting you, so who cares what you think as long as it's entertaining?"_

_Stan and Kyle looked at each other. Then they gave Bebe the highly effective Simultaneous Double Facepalm._

_"What about the stories being slanderous towards us?" Stan asked. "Stories like this one are spreading lies about us, and if we speak out against them, _we_ get called hateful?"_

_"Besides, it's not entertaining," Kyle added. "Someone just wrote a boring, cliched love story that doesn't make sense between characters they didn't even come up with, and then think they've accomplished something. It's completely unrealistic, and that makes the story suck."_

_"Oh, please," Bebe snorted. "I think it's perfectly reasonable for someone to think you and Stan could be gay for each other." Cartman snickered. Not him too, Stan thought._

_"Even if that were true," Kyle said, "that would be one thing. But with all the characters that slash stories are written about, it's clear that isn't the real motivation."_

_"You guys are _clearly_ exaggerating," Bebe said. "It's not _that_ many characters."_

_"Oh, really?" Stan challenged. "Well, now that we've got everyone here, why don't we let them read for a while and decide for themselves?"_

Stan sat in Tweak's Coffee, unsure of what to do next. He was now more confused about his feelings than ever.

He had certainly enjoyed last night with Kyle, much more so than any alone time he had ever spent with Wendy. He felt like Kyle had always been there for him, even when Wendy hadn't been. After all, they had been best friends since before either of them could remember. And Wendy hadn't been exactly nice about dumping him for Token all those years ago. Still, he couldn't shake the feeling that rushing to Kyle was a bit premature.

And then there was that feeling he had had when he saw Wendy going at it with Cartman-

-_"Ew," Wendy cringed. Cartman snickered_-

-that he couldn't quite define. Was it just disgust? Or was there some jealousy buried in there somewhere?

Just then, Tweek himself passed by Stan's table with the kettle. "More-GAH-coffee?" he asked.

"No, thanks," said Stan. He wasn't really all that thirsty. The coffee shop really was the best place to sit and brood.

_"Because we all love hearing about your problems," Craig snorted. Stan glared at him._

Then he got an idea. "Tweek, I need some advice."

"AH! About what?" Tweek asked.

"How long have you and your boyfriend been together?" Stan asked.

_"I'm gay, too?" Tweek yelled. _

_Craig laughed. "Guess the writers put some _pressure _on you, huh?"_

_"AHH!"_

"About two years," Tweek said, fidgeting.

"And you've both been satisfied with your relationship?"

"I-AHH-think so," Tweek said. "What's this about? Oh God, did he tell you he wanted to to break up with me? Oh Jesus no!"

_"I can't take this!" Tweek screamed, pulling his hair out. Stan could tell Craig was getting a kick out of this whole thing. That asshole._

"Oh no, Tweek, Craig didn't say anything like that," Stan insisted-

_-In Stan's opinion, the look on Craig's face at this point was priceless-_

-"I just wanted to know if you guys could help me out with my relationship problems. I can't figure out whether I like Wendy or Kyle."

"Well, I think you should-GAH-probably just stay single until you can get that worked out," Tweek said. "You don't want your relationship to-AHH-control you."

_"You know," Kyle said, "that's probably the only smart thing this story has said so far."_

"Are you sure that will work?" Stan asked.

"AHH! Of course I'm not sure! I can't predict the future! That's WAY too much pressure!"

_"Is that how I actually sound?" Tweek wailed. "Oh God!"_

"Don't worry, Tweek," Stan assured him. "I won't hold you accountable. What I meant to ask was: did it work for you?"

"Uh huh," Tweek nodded. "Back in middle school, I couldn't decide whether I liked Craig or Kevin-

_-Kevin Stoley looked up from his Nintendo DS. "I'm in this too?"-_

-so I waited, and tried not to make a decision too fast. It-AH-was a lot of pressure. On the one hand, there was that whole business with that fight Craig and I had in elementary school, so there was a little bit of tension there. On the other hand, Kevin was always obsessed with his nerd stuff, so I thought he wouldn't be really committed."

_Craig and Kevin looked at each other, unsure of how to react._

"How did you finally decide?" Stan asked.

Tweek continued. "Eventually, Kevin hooked up with Clyde, so I decided I should choose Craig. He's a little-AHH-rough around the edges, but he's a very protective guy."

"So what you're saying is that, if I'm not sure, I should wait and see what happens?" Stan asked.

"Uh-AHH-huh."

_"There it goes with me being a pussy again," Stan said. "...Why?"_

_"Yeah," Craig droned. "What was the point of that whole scene?" Tweek, Kevin, and Clyde all piped up in agreement._

_"The story has clearly been all about Stan and Kyle so far," Clyde added. "What does making _us_ gay have anything to do with anything?"_

_"Well, in this case," Bebe admitted, "it _was_ kind of stupid. But maybe if the story focused on you, it would be much better handled. People would be better about doing their research."_

_"Oh really?" Craig challenged. He checked the frontpage. "Okay, out of these first 25 stories involving me, about 20 of them have me in some kind of slash story, usually with Tweek. That's a lot of people that didn't do their fucking research."_

_"Yeah," Tweek said, his irritation starting to overcome his nervousness. "Is that all we're good for? That's not very-GAH-flattering."_

_Bebe didn't have a response._

* * *

Meanwhile, elsewhere in South Park, Kyle was having a similar crisis. As much as he had enjoyed his brief affair with Kenny, he couldn't help but feel that he had betrayed Stan somehow. Even if it turned out that Stan didn't mind, he knew he would still feel guilty about it.

_"Really?" Kyle said. "Another stupid dilemma? We just had one of these with Stan! God..."_

"God..." Kyle prayed, "I need your help. I can't decide whether I like Stan or Kenny."

Instead of an answer from God, a thundering crack resounded through the room. A flaming portal opened up, and Damien, the son of Satan, appeared.

_"'Flaming,'" Bill laughed. _

_"Hehe, that's gay," Fosse added._

_Stan couldn't shake the feeling that they were right._

"You've been very sinful, Kyle," Damien said. "Hooking up with Kenny when you and Stan had practically just begun a relationship. You're giving homosexuals a bad name."

_"Yeah, like this story hasn't done a good job of that already," Stan muttered. _

_"What do you mean?" asked Bebe._

_"This fic makes it seem like all gay people think about having sex or having a romantic partner all the time," Kyle pointed out. "You think we hate this story because we're _homophobic_? This smut is not empowering at all. It's degrading."_

_"Yeah!" Big Gay AL agreed._

_"Wait, you mean we don't think about sex all the time?" Mr. Garrison asked._

_"No, that's just you," Mr. Slave said. "Jesus Christ."_

"But I couldn't help myself," Kyle wailed. "I thought Stan would be getting back with Wendy, and Kenny was right there, and-raped! That's right, I was raped. Kenny forced me to do it."

Damien shook his head. "Don't lie to me, Kyle, you're not very good at it. He didn't force you to do anything. You had full control of the situation, and you could have turned him down. But you didn't."

"What do you know about my problems?" Kyle demanded.

_Kyle slapped his forehead. "Oh, _why_ did you ask him that?"_

Damien raised his eyebrow. "We are not so different. I was in a relationship with this guy Ryan, until Pip died and came down to Hell. I decided that Ryan was too boring, so I told Pip that he was going to be my bitch, and he was all too happy to do whatever I said."

"So, you just completely abandoned your old boyfriend?" Kyle asked.

"Yep."

"But..." Kyle asked, "that's exactly what you told me not to do."

"That's true," Damien agreed. "But I'm the Antichrist."

Kyle shrugged. He couldn't argue with that.

_"Man, that's just wrong," Stan said. "Slandering Pip like that. I mean, I know we made fun of Pip all the time when he was alive, but he's not here to defend himself anymore."_

_"But let's not talk too much about that," Kyle said. "The last thing I want is to wrap Satan and Damien up in this; this is already too messed up as it is."_

_"Timmeh!" Timmy added.  
_

_"That's r-right, Tim-Tim," Jimmy agreed. "I'd hate t-to see how they p-p-pair up the r-rest of us!" Token nodded solemnly. Even Bebe started to look more and more uncertain of her position.  
_

_"Honestly, I can't imagine how this could get any worse," Kyle said. Then: "Oh, shit, I just jinxed it, didn't I?"  
_

_And then, a voice called from the street outside: "Hey, you guys!" Everybody ran to the window to see.  
_

_It was Kenny. And he was carrying a gun.  
_

_"Good. I see I have your attention."  
_

* * *

**By the way, the statistics regarding the Creek stories were indeed accurate (at least, from a quick glance) at the time I wrote that part down.**

******I wanted to include a Stolovan pun in the chapter title as well (like "Stole a Van") but it didn't fit.** Oh well.  


**I had to squeeze all the minor character pairings into this chapter, so I hope it doesn't feel too mismatched. The remaining chapters should have a lot more focus.  
**

**I hope to hear from all of you throughout the summer. Please review, and thanks for reading!**


	5. Bunny Shaped Cookie Cutters

_"Kenny, what are you doing?" Kyle asked. "Why are you carrying a gun?"_

_"Don't worry about that," Kenny insisted, twirling the gun casually in his hand. "For now, just keep reading."_

Kenny strolled down the street, whistling. Sometimes, he thought, it's good to be me.

Sure, his family was so poor they could only eat at McDonald's on special occasions. Sure, his friends were assholes who never remembered when he died.

But he had just made out with Kyle Broflovski. Life could be good sometimes.

_"There it is again," Stan noticed. "'We never remembered when you die?' Come on, of course we would remember something like that."_

_"No, you WOULDN'T," Kenny shouted. "You guys always forget, but so help me, these fanfic writers will help me prove it."_

Kenny was sure that he benefited more from high school than most of his other friends. Stan, Kyle, and even Cartman: they were all just getting into the sex game. But Kenny, he had been ready to play the game for years, venting through outlets like Playboy and auto-erotic asphyxiation. And now that he was finally old enough, years of preparation meant that he didn't have to fumble his way through like everyone else did.

All you really had to do was follow one simply rule: if it moves, screw it.

_"That's...just...wrong," Kyle said. Stan vomited again, and Wendy's eyes narrowed. "Is that really how you think, Kenny?" Kyle asked._

_"No!" Kenny yelled. Then he thought about it. "If it has a _pussy_, screw it."_

_"_So_ much better," Kyle snorted, rolling his eyes. "Stan, stop throwing up before Wendy starts to get jealous."_

So, who would it be today? Eenie meenie minie-

"Hey, Kenny! Whatcha doing walking by yourself?"

Ah, Butters. Kenny walked up to his naive friend. "Oh, I was just thinking."

"Oh. Well, what was it you were thinking about?"

Kenny draped his arms around Butters' shoulders. "Butters, how would you like to be my boyfriend for the day?"

Butters stared at Kenny's arm, not really sure whether to be comforted or afraid. "Gee, Kenny, I don't know. I thought you liked Kyle."

Kenny smiled. "I do like Kyle. I also like Bebe, Heidi, Clyde, Tweek, Mercedes, Stan, Wendy, Craig, Tammy, Fosse, Kip, Lexus, Jimmy, Millie, Token, Nicole, Kevin, Stacey, Scott, Rebecca, Josh, Porsche, and Annie. Oh, and Terrence Mephesto. And I also like you."

_"Ignore all that," Kenny said. "Except for Tammy. And Stacey. And-"_

_"Oh, shut up, you pervert!" Heidi shouted._

"But, Kenny," Butters began, "I think you should probably consider choosing one partner instead of moving from person to person like you do. You get a more stable relationship that way, and-"

"Butters, I'm not looking for relationship advice," Kenny snapped. "I only need to know one thing: are you interested?"

"Well..." Butters thought about it. "I don't really know."

"Well, you're bi-curious, aren't you?"

"I sure am!"

_"They did get that right, fellas," Butters pointed out._

_Stan pinched the bridge of his nose so hard it left a mark. "Butters...you don't even know what bi-curious means..."_

_"I do so!" Butters insisted. "It means I'm confused."_

_"Well, that's definitely true__, you guys," Cartman chuckled._

"Haven't you ever experimented with another guy before? You have to try these things out," Kenny explained.

_"Is _that_ what it means?" Butters realized. "But then..." He started putting two and two together. "You and me, that one time..." he pointed at Cartman, who suddenly began whistling nonchalantly. "Oh, _hamburgers!_"_

_"I probably don't want to hear about this," Kyle grumbled._

_"Just remember," Cartman said. "It was _my_ penis in _Butters'_ mouth, so that means _I'm_ not gay!"_

_"Alright, enough! Everyone just shut up!" Stan yelled._

"I guess I haven't," Butters admitted. "Well, if you think it will be good for me-"

"What could be better?" Kenny asked. "Your place or mine?"

"But-but I've only just agreed to be your boyfriend," Butters babbled. "Don't you think it's a little soon?"

"Butters, I rarely have the time to go through the delicacies of relationships and such," Kenny grumbled impatiently. "When I could get run over by a truck at any moment, I've found that it's best to just get straight to the good part."

_"Okay, that's your cue," Kenny said, cocking the gun. "Pay close attention."_

_"For what?" Kyle asked._

"Now, Kenny," Butters rebuked. "I think that there shouldn't be any of that nasty stuff going on until after you and I have a nice romantic dinner at Bennigan's. We'll go tonight: I'll make reservations. We'll have sweet candlelight, dreamy music, sparkling grape juice, and-"

"Alright, fine," Kenny snapped. "You win!"

"Yippee!" Butters squealed. "I'll meet you there at 8."

"Make it 7," Kenny said as he began walking away. "The sooner we can get through this, the better. And there'd better be real wine, not fucking sparkling grape juice."

"Kenny, you know we're not old enough to be drinking alcohol," Butters reminded him.

"Ugh! This date's going to suck!" Kenny yelled. "After putting up with this, you'd better be really good at being fu-"

WHAM! A truck ran over Kenny, splattering his blood all over the street.

_"Oh my God!" Stan yelled. "They killed Kenny!"_

_"You bastard!" Kyle shouted._

_Just then, they heard Kenny's gun go off. Everyone turned to look. Kenny was lying on the ground with a hole in his head, looking very dead and very pissed off._

_"Oh my God! Kenny killed himself."_

_"You bast-hey!" Kyle screamed._

"Kenny! NOOOOO!" Butters screamed, falling to his knees. "How could this happen?"

_"Why would Kenny kill himself?" Stan asked._

**"He was trying to prove a point."**

_"Wait," Kyle said. "Who's that?"_

**"I'm the author."**

_"Oh," Kyle said. "Wait, what?"_

**"I'm the person who's writing this story."**

_"So, that means it's _your_ fault Kenny's dead!" Stan accused._

_"You bastard!"_

"That's tough luck, dude."

Butters looked up, and Cartman was there, surveying the scene of the accident. He sat down next to Butters. "Watching someone you love die sure can be cruel."

_"Wait, that doesn't sound like Cartman at all!" Stan objected._

_"Yeah, what else is new?" Kyle muttered._

"Yeah," Butters sniffed. "I just can't believe he's gone. He was so full of life. We could have had a future together."

"Nah," said Cartman. "You know Kenny; he would have just dumped you as soon as the next pretty blonde boy walked by."

_"You have the balls to diss Kenny now that he's dead? Kill yourself," Stan said._

**"Don't worry, he'll be back."**

_"How? He's dead!" Kyle shouted. "There's a hole the size of Cartman's ass in the side of his head!"_

_"Ay!"_

**"Just watch."**

"Still, I don't know if I can take it," Butters cried.

"Don't worry: I'll help you cope," Cartman reassured him.

Butters sniffed. "R-really?"

"And you're going to be my bitch."

_"That's better," Kyle said. "I can totally believe that's Cartman now."_

"W-what?"

"Butters, you're missing the big picture here. You need me. You've just lost someone very important in your life, and you need a strong, dominant figure to get you through this. But in return, I want you to be my bitch."

Butters thought about it. "Well, I guess that makes sense."

"I'm glad we had this little talk," Cartman said, patting Butters' head. "Bennigan's is still on. See you at 8, bitch."

_"This just keeps getting worse and worse," Stan said. "What is this story even about anymore? You can't say there's supposed to be any kind of legitimate character development going on here when everyone's fucking at the drop of a hat."_

_"Yeah," Bebe admitted. "I guess you guys are right. This story's just bad."_

_"It's just mean," Butters whimpered, on the verge of tears._

_"Man up, Butters. No one's arguing that it's bad," Kyle said. "But you guys are forgetting something: the story killed Kenny! It's not just that it's bad: it's legitimately harmful. If it's bad enough to make Kenny kill himself, who knows what other damage it could cause?"_

_Stan agreed. "That's right. All in favor of banning this story?"_

_Stan and Kyle raised their hands immediately, along with Tweek, Craig, and most of the other fourth graders. Some of the others were a little bit slower about it, like Bebe, Mr. Garrison, and Skeeter. Ned raised his only hand, and even Nurse Goodly nodded to show her approval. Butters was last of all. But at the end, there was one person who refused to cooperate._

_Stan and Kyle stared. "Cartman?"_

_"That's right! You guys are not banning this awesome story!"_

_"Awesome?" Kyle shouted. "It's just a piece of crap, you piece of crap!"_

_"Ay! I don't have to take that from a Jew!" Cartman retorted._

_"You're such a fatass, Cartman," Kyle yelled, "that when you walk down the street people go 'God damn, that's a big fat ass!'"_

_A random townsperson walked up. "God damn, that's a big f-"_

_"God damn it!" Cartman shook his fist at the author. "This joke's already been done, you son of a bitch!"_

**"Sorry, I couldn't resist."**

_"You assholes are not going to ruin this story for me," Cartman insisted. "Look at me: I'm awesome and cool in this story. Screwing hos and making everyone my bitch...that's what I do, brah. It's got me down perfectly. But the best part is that it makes all of you guys uncomfortable. But you guys just hate it because you're so immature. It's hella awesome!"_

_"Stop saying hella, you retard!" Kyle screamed._

_"Cry all you want, but you people will respect mah authoritah! We are going to finish this story, and there is no possible way that _anyone_ is going to screw it up!"_

**"Hahaha!"**

* * *

**Don't forget to review :)**


	6. Insert Kyman Related Pun Here

**Okay, sorry for keeping y'all waiting. I haven't had as much time to write as I thought I would. Enjoy!**

* * *

_"Now," said Cartman, "let's get back to reading this awesome and cool story."_

Cartman shoveled the food into his mouth like the fat piece of-

_"Ay!" Cartman yelled at the author. "I'm watching you. You better not say that, or I'll make you eat your parents!"_

**"How exactly will you do that when it's _my_ story?"**

_"Well, just try calling me fat one more time, and you'll find out," Cartman sneered._

**"...oh, alright."**

Cartman finished his dinner with surprising vigor, and waited impatiently for Butters. The little dork had barely touched any of his food; it was like he thought that a "romantic dinner" shouldn't involve eating. Well, fuck that. If that was Butters' idea of romance, there was going to be some changes made.

"Butters, if you don't hurry up, we're going to be here all night," Cartman snarled.

"Well, don't you want to spend time together?" Butters asked. Not if you're going to be a complete fucking wimp, no.

"Frankly, I'm getting tired of sitting here," Cartman said. Butters started to say something, but Cartman held up his hand. "I don't think you understand what 'being my bitch' means, Butters. It means that if I tell you to do something, you do it, right?"

"Yeah, but Eric-"

"And I say it's time to go, you black asshole!"

"Oh, all right," Butters whimpered.

_"Hehe. Killer."_

Butters had to go home after that, because he said that it was past his bedtime and his parents would probably ground him once he got back. Cartman considered making him stick around longer just to get him in trouble, but decided that he had had enough of Butters' company; that guy was just so annoying.

_"Ah, don't you like me, Eric?" Butters asked._

_Cartman considered that. "You have your uses."_

The next morning, Saturday, Cartman got up and checked his phone. Eight text messages from Butters. That guy obviously still hadn't figured out how this whole "bitch" thing worked. Butters was being WAY too needy, and if he was going to insist that Cartman reciprocated on this decidedly one-way relationship, Cartman was going to have to put a stop to the whole thing.

Cartman found himself wandering around, and he eventually found himself at Tweak's Coffee Shop.

_"Really?" Stan said. "Again?"_

Peering in the window, he noticed that Kyle was sitting at one of the tables all by himself, sipping his coffee and looking depressed. Snickering, Cartman walked in and sat down. "'Sup, Jew?"

For once, Kyle didn't seem to have the resolve to be angry. "I'm just feeling torn."

"Oh, really?" Cartman asked. "What about?"

_"No way would I tell him," Kyle insisted._

"Well..."

_Kyle threw up his hands in disgust._

"...I've been trying to decide what to do about Stan and Kenny. Stan seems to want a relationship, but he isn't not sure with who. Kenny just wants to fuck, and he doesn't care with who. And all of their antics over the past few days have gotten me a bit confused myself."

Cartman began filing everything away; you never did know when information might become useful. "Do go on," he said.

"I do have feelings for both of them. But if there's one thing I've learned from all this, it's that relationships are about decisions, not feelings."

_"What?" Stan exclaimed. "What's the justification for that lesson? Where did the characters learn that? You can't just pull that out of nowhere!"_

_Cartman shrugged. "I still kick ass."_

"What do you mean?" Cartman asked.

"Well, think about it," Kyle said. "When two people get married, they say 'for better or worse.' They're choosing to stick together no matter what happens, not just if things happen to be going well. Feelings come and go, but a relationship has to be more stable than that.

"And that's why I don't think getting in a relationship with either Stan or Kenny is a good idea. Because that relationship will only last as long as things are going smoothly; the minute things start getting tense, it would be all over. But I want a real relationship. With all the ups, downs, and conflicts that come with it. I don't think Stan and I could work like that. We can be friends through thick and thin, but boyfriends? It would be too painful. And Kenny would never work because he doesn't want a relationship at all."

Cartman nodded.

Kyle looked up and asked him. "What do you think?"

"I think you're a stupid Jew, and you've put way too much thought into this."

_"Hahahaha!" Cartman laughed "Oh, man, that was so awesome! Hahahahaha! Can you picture the look on his face? Haha, sweet."_

"Maybe you're right," Kyle said. "But-"

"STOP AGREEING WITH ME!" Cartman yelled.

Kyle froze.

_Kyle froze. So did Cartman._

"Stop listening to everything I say! It's no fun bossing people around if they already agree with you! You're just the same as Butters! You think all the problems in the world will just solve themselves if you just shut up and let them walk all over you! But the world doesn't work that way, you have to make it your bitch! God, I hate you guys!"

At that, Kyle turned red. "You want a fight? I'll give you a fight any day of the week, you fat piece of shit!"

_"Ay!"_

"Bring it on, bitch! I'll take you down!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

_"Such thrilling dialogue," Kyle commented._

Kyle and Cartman stared at each other for a long time. Then Kyle smiled. "See, Cartman, you understand what I mean."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Kyle," Cartman insisted.

"You want a real relationship just like i do," Kyle said. "With all the benefits and all the hardships. You don't want something that's fake. That's why I think you and I could be a perfect couple, because we've always stuck together, even when we've been completely at odds with each other. If our relationship can survive just being able to stand one another, it can survive anything."

_"Bullshit!" Kyle said. "Total bullshit! If you choose to stay in a relationship with someone you hate, you'll still be miserable. This is fucking retarded!"_

_Seeing that his fictional counterpart was about to lean more towards "real" romance, and less towards domination, Cartman bit his lip in irritation._

"Yeah, it can survive anything but another holocaust! Cause then you'll be dead!" Cartman laughed.

Kyle punched Cartman in the gut. "You fucking fatass! I hate you!"

"Yeah?" Cartman said. "Well, I hate you too!"

There was another moment of silence. Then Cartman asked, "So, you want to go grab some ice cream or something?"

Kyle smiled. "Sure."

_Kyle started beating his head against the wall._

Cartman grinned. "Sweet." Then he looked Kyle right in the eyes. "You're not going to try and make me change my ways, are you?"

Kyle shook his head. "No. You don't have to change who you are to be with me."

"Good."

"Although," Kyle laughed, "you could probably stand to lose some weight."

"GODDAMMIT!"

_"Wow, way to cheapen relationships, you crappy story," Kyle muttered. "'Oh, even though romantic relationships are totally important and required in order to be accepted, you don't have to change at all.' More bullshit. That just undermines everything they tried to say about relationships being a commitment, because it implies you don't have to work for them."_

_"Not only that," Stan replied, "but this means that, with this flimsy logic, a writer can feasibly justify any pairing whatsoever. They'll be all over the place: Craig and Butters, Wendy and Dogpoo, or Clyde and that red-haired Goth kid. I mean, if they'll find an excuse to pair up Kyle and Cartman, they'll do it with anything."_

_"GODDAMMIT!"_

_The two of them look over at Cartman, who had finally blown his top._

_"What the fuck is with all this romantic bullshit? Where's me being awesome? You're just going to make me Kyle's boyfriend? You can't do that! You hear that, you fucking son-of-a-bitch author! You can only do that if I'm starting rumors that Kyle's gay, or getting Butters sent to gay camp, or making everyone my bitch! Otherwise, it's not me! And for the rest of you guys, you better not be spreading more lies about me, or I swear, I'll make you WISH I had ground your parents up into chili!"_

_"So, does that mean we can vote to ban the story again?" Kyle asked. Cartman nodded, too furious for more words. And this time, it was unanimous._

Just then, Cartman remembered Butters. He quickly took out his phone and sent Butters a text: "im with jew boy now. fuk u bitch." Then he sent the same text to Stan, just for the hell of it. Oh, if only he could see the look on that guy's face.

_Stan sighed. "It's like every time this story seems like it's about to wrap up, it introduces one more thing, just to keep this shit train going! Well, fortunately for us, now we can just go ahead and ban it without being interru-"_

_Just then, they heard a chorus of accusing shouts coming from the street: "Hatemongerers! Hatemongerers!"_

_"Oh, NOW what?" Kyle groaned._

_Everyone went to the window and looked out. The street was filled with a group of middle-aged men, most of them holding signs identifying them as "NAMBLA." And given that none of them looked like Marlon Brando at all, it had to be the..."other NAMBLA."_

_Seeing that they had gotten everyone's attention, the NAMBLA leader grabbed his megaphone and began to speak. "First you deny us our rights to love like everyone else does. Now, you speak out against our erotic stories as well. Does your intolerance have no end?"_

_There was stunned silence for a long time. Then Stan finally managed to choke out the words "Erotic...stories? Based...on...children...characters?" Then he promptly vomited. And everyone else felt just as nauseous._

_"Well, I guess that's the real problem here, isn't it?" Kyle realized._

**"...Ouch"**

* * *

**Was that a bit too harsh? Hmm...**


	7. Stendy as She Goes

**Sorry it's been so long since I updated. Once I found this site's new Image Manager, my ADOS kicked in, and I made cover art for all of my existing stories, as well as the ones currently in development, and thus didn't get much writing done.**

**(by the way, to see the full-size artwork, either check out the stories on my blogsite, or the cover art on my deviantART account, which is still under my "Lord-Ignus" profile name)**

**Anyway, I DID eventually get around to finishing this story. I hope you've enjoyed it.**

* * *

Stan checked his phone, and noticed a text from Cartman: "im with jew boy now. fuk u bitch."

_Kyle groaned. "We've already seen this. Get on with it."_

_Outside, the NAMBLA members continued to cheer._

Stan sighed. Kyle and Cartman as a couple? That sounded even more disgusting than Cartman with Wendy. Still, if that was what Kyle wanted, who was he to get in the way?

_"Wrong," Stan said. "Friends don't let friends be with Cartman."_

_Cartman started to say something, but decided to keep his mouth shut._

Then he remembered Tweek's advice. He had said that he choose his partner after the other became unavailable. Now, Kyle was in a relationship with someone else. And with Wendy's old partner no less...

The time has come, Stan decided. He pulled out his phone and dialed Wendy's number.

_"You know, I just realized," Heidi said. "This story started out with Stan in love with Kyle, and Wendy in love with Cartman. Now, Kyle's in love with Cartman, and Stan's in love with Wendy. Twisted..."_

_"Yeah, it's giving me the bends just thinking about it," Bebe replied. "The next thing you know, Kyle will be in love with Wendy, and Stan-"_

_"SHUT UP!" Stan, Wendy, Kyle, and Cartman all yelled in unison. The NAMBLA members began chanting, "Stanman! Stanman! Stanman!"_

Several minutes later, Stan was ringing Wendy's doorbell. Wendy answered. "You said it was urgent," she said.

"It is," Stan insisted. "I've been unfair to you these last few days. I shouldn't have just run off to Kyle after we had that one fight."

"No, it's my fault," Wendy replied. "I was being unreasonable. I can't expect you to spend all of your time with me. I was selfish. And besides, I ran off to...someone else, too."

"Yeah," Stan said awkwardly. "I...um, noticed."

_"Indeed, seeing someone having sexual intercourse with Eric Cartman _would_ be a very uncomfortable topic to bring up in conversation," Gregory pointed out._

_"Timmeh!" Timmy agreed. The NAMBLA crowd, still cheering, obviously did not._

_"You're still a fucking faggot, dude," Cartman told Gregory._

"But enough of that," Stan said. "I want to talk about us."

Wendy's eyes narrowed. "What about 'us?'"

"I've seen some weird stuff go on in this town before," Stan said. "But somehow, it all ended up making sense in the end, like there was some point to it. Never in my life have things been this random.

_Stan shook his head. "Yeah...I still don't think this author's really been paying enough attention to the real South Park."_

_"Stan! STAAAAN!" The door to Stan's room burst open and his dad, Randy, rushed in. "Why is there a crowd of people outside our house?" Then, he looked around in confusion, having just noticed that the entire town had gathered in his son's bedroom. "What is everyone doing here?"_

_Stan pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Dad, seriously...we've been doing this for six chapters already. Get with the program."_

Stan continued. "In the few days since we broke up, this whole town has gone insane. Most of my friends turn out to be gay, and they all suddenly want relationships with lots of sex and stuff. And even the ones who sleep around, like Kenny, suddenly expand their horizons. All completely without explanation."

"Yeah, it's been crazy on my side, too," Wendy agreed. "I just heard that Bebe hooked up with Heidi last night. I couldn't quite believe it."

_"Agh! Sick!" Heidi squirmed._

_Bebe looked equally uncomfortable. "You guys are right," she said. "There definitely is some gender disparity to this whole thing."_

"It's like, we're the glue that keeps all the romance the way it should be," Stan said.

"The One True Pairing," Wendy replied.

"And once we're just pulled apart, for some stupid reason, nothing else seems to go right," Stan concluded.

_"You know," Dogpoo said, "we can all agree that the author is trying to explain away the crazy pairings that were going on earlier. But I think he forgot that Craig, Tweek, Damien and Pip were already in relationships prior to the story. So his reasoning here is a bit flimsy."_

**"Good point."**

_"That's true, kid," Kyle said. "But at this point, we've all pretty much stopped caring."_

_There was a long moment of silence. Then Dogpoo jumped for joy: "I got a line? I ACTUALLY GOT A LINE!"_

"So, I guess what I'm asking is, will you take me back?" Stan asked.

"To set the universe right?" Wendy smiled.

"Yes."

"For better or worse?"

"Yes."

_"Ugh, this is so sappy," Cartman said. "Lame!"_

_"Yeah, it's not really that exciting," Kyle agreed._

_Stan was strangely silent._

"Of course I'll take you back," Wendy agreed. "We're not perfect, and we have our differences. But I know that we can get through it. We've been happy for years; we obviously have something good here."

"Thanks," Stan said, as the two of them embraced.

_"Here we go again," Kyle said._

"There's just one request I'd like to make," Stan added.

"What's that?"

"Let's not have sex."

_"BOO!" shouted the NAMBLA crowd._

_"Boo!" shouted Mr. Garrison, before he realized everyone was giving him the evil eye. "Oh, crap."_

"Why do you say that?" Wendy asked.

"Well, it's just that everyone has gotten so tangled up in the idea of sex that it's all anybody cares about. Well, screw what everyone else thinks; I think our relationship should focus on what's really important, which is love, not sex."

_"Now, that's being a nonconformist," the curly-haired Goth kid said._

_"Yeah," the rest of them agreed._

"I guess what I'm saying is...if I just wanted sex, well, I could do that with anyone. Even..." Stan shuddered. "...Cartman."

_"Don't even go there!" Kyle warned._

"But since I want you, it must be for another reason. Because I don't want to be in a relationship with Cartman, or Kyle, or anyone else. Sure, sex has its uses, but it's not a stable enough foundation on which to build a relationship. I think we should make sure our relationship is secure before we start thinking about sex."

_"Oh, come on!" the NAMBLA crowd groaned. "This story sucks now." One by one, they threw down their signs and began to disperse, having lost all interest in the story now that there was no sex between minors._

**"And good riddance."**

_"You did that?" Kyle asked. "You stopped writing the sex and slash so you could drive them off?"_

**"Yeah. Once I saw the kind of audience this story had attracted, I decided it was time to take the hint."**

"Oh, that's so sweet," Wendy said, smiling. "Kisses are still allowed, right?"

"Sure," Stan grinned.

Wendy leaned over to kiss him.

And he promptly threw up.

_"Oh, come on," Stan said. "I don't do that anymore." Then Wendy kissed him on the cheek. "Bleech!"_

_"Gross, Stan!" Wendy yelled._

_"Thank God it's finally over," Kyle said. "That was grueling." _

_"Eh...I kind of liked that last chapter," Stan admitted, wiping vomit off of his face with his sleeve. There was an immediate cry of outrage from the rest of the forth grade boys. "I mean," Stan quickly spoke up, "sure, it was far too late to make up for how bad the rest of that story was, and I guess it was a little sappy. I was just glad I ended up with Wendy. And at least I was being more noble there than I was in the rest of the story."_

_"Hard to argue with that," Kyle said. "But the way he did the complete about-face with the sex was very sudden and not realistic."_

**"Jesus, if there's sex, you complain, and if there's no sex, you complain. There's just no pleasing you guys, is there?"**

_"But at least we learned something today, guys," Cartman said._

_"We did?" Clyde asked._

_"Yes, Clyde," Cartman explained. "We learned that I, Eric Cartman, am awesome."_

_"That's not what we learned, you fat fuck!" Kyle spat._

_"Alright, if you're such a fucking genius, what _did_ we learn from this whole mess?" Cartman challenged._

_Kyle thought hard. "We learned that people are...imaginative. They envision the people and characters they like in new adventures and stories. But we also learned that some of these people are not great writers, and that they usually try to make up for this lack of talent by resorting to cheap romance."_

_"Gah! Don't you think you might be insulting some of the people reading this?" Tweek asked._

_"Well," Kyle said, looking out towards the readers, "chances are, if you people have stuck around this long, you probably agree with us, and are not the hack writers that we're talking about."_

_"Hear, hear," Gregory said._

_"Yeah," Stan agreed. "We also learned that romance is not necessarily a bad thing. The key to good storytelling is to make it realistic. If people can believe it, they'll enjoy it. Wendy and I match up great together in fics, because she really is my girlfriend. Some other romance works, too, but let's face it; making someone gay when they're really not isn't realistic. Bad storytelling."_

_"True," Kyle said. "And if you really feel the need to write a story like that, go ahead. Just don't expect people to take you very seriously."_

_"Think about it this way," Stan said. "You write stories about us because you look up to us, right? Well then, wouldn't you want write a story that makes us proud? Instead of one that makes us feel uncomfortable?"_

_"Of course, there are lines that shouldn't be crossed," Kyle said firmly, clenching his fists. "We understand that some people like to write erotic stories, and that some people like to read them. But people...we're TEN YEARS OLD! Even if you age us, erotic fiction based on characters our age is just wrong. You want to write a good story? Great. You want to make it romance? Fine. You want to make us gay? That's...weird, but not criminal. You even want to include sex, as long as the characters aren't, like, under twelve? Again, a little creepy, but not terrible. But if you write romantic stories about us, using sex to try and be...arousing...you've probably crossed the line. And that skips being creepy and just ends up being sick. That leads to the sort of thing that people end up in jail for. Like NAMBLA. And you don't want to be like NAMBLA, do you?"_

_"It sure seems like there are a lot of people who think like NAMBLA, aren't there?" Butters said._

_"That's right, Butters." Stan said, then he looked back out at the audience. "But YOU guys can make a difference. Just keep writing good stories, preferably without weird pairings and stuff like that, so you can focus on comedy and quality storytelling. And together, we can beat the slash writers and take back control of our fandom!"_

_There was a silence. Then Wendy said, "Yeah, guys, that's probably not going to happen anytime soon. They're just too powerful."_

_"You're right," Kyle replied. "Dude, I think we've started getting preachy and up our own ass again."_

_"Well, what else is new?" Stan pointed out. "Besides, some things just need to be said." He looked around to see if anyone else had something to say. "I guess we're all done here."_

**"Almost. There's just one more thing."**

_"What's that?" Kyle asked._

_At that moment, the door to Stan's room opened, and Kenny walked in, stretching._

_"Oh, there you are, Kenny," Stan said. "Thank God you missed all that. You wouldn't believe all the stupid shit that just went down."_

_Kenny sighe__d._

_"Fuck you guys."_

* * *

**And that's the end of my pairing/slash rant. Ordinarily, I would put a little something at the end here, sort of explaining what this story is about. But I figured that Stan and Kyle have pretty much said it all already.**

**Be sure to check out my new story: a Death Note fic called "The Secret Rule," which will come out in a few days...**

_**Young Taro Kagami thought that his troubles were over once he got rid of Ryuk's deadly notebook. He was wrong. What can a little kid do against the power of Kira?**_

**Any of you who might be Death Note fans are encouraged to check it out. If you're not a fan of Death Note...well, check it out anyway (but read that awesome manga/anime first).**

**Until next time...this is Marcus Absent signing off.**


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